May 21, 2026
The grass is always greener on the other side. Why do we spend our whole lives looking to get to that other side and why can I never just be happy with the here and now. I struggle with being happy with here and now, I think, because ambition. There is always something to strive for. I see other people in much worse positions in life and I’m shook free for but a moment. I still feel stuck and incapable of changing my position and at risk of losing all that I have, constantly. I am just a contractor at some big tech company and making it feel like anything less than precarious is almost impossible.
The big question I have for myself is weather that feeling will ever go away. I feel like I always find a way to blame some part of my situation, any part, on why I feel like that next thing will make my life feel stable. I have no safe harbor because I am not financially independent. If I lost my job now because of any big tech layoff I am just as adrift as any other person. I have a small runway but at my current rate I will be completely SOL in less than a year. I am stuck.
The economy has me locked away in a place I feel incapable of being seen as anything other than a resource. I make contributions beyond my role and make attempts to be recognized as an effective and useful contributor for a the hope that my lifeline may make a difference when it really matters. I fear that will never be the case and the only true lifeline I hold is that of a couple months respite and a dream of being free from fear. Big corporations control the world and when you work directly for them, depending on them for food and shelter, you feel it so much more.
The people in the corporations are not to blame on an individual basis, for the most part. They are just, as some say, a cog in the machine. They are just searching for their own greener pastures. The system that allows us to be forced into these positions of vulnerability are to blame. The systems that allow companies to decide how many years, months, or days you can go without becoming a homeless helpless husk of a human. Even the selected people are but resources in the big picture. One they are not profitable to keep they are replaced, albeit much slower than the contractors.
I’m stuck. There is no way out. You can only be free when you make the choice to not play the stupid game. A choice must be made and that would have to be one of whether you want to feel that you need that next thing or weather you can just be happy with the now. It is difficult to maintain that feeling of contentment while also not falling into stagnation. Ambition is one of the hardest things to manage because there are so many benefits to managing it properly. If there is a way to be ambitious enough to search for that greener pasture while realizing that it may just be an optical illusion you can live a meaningful life.
I’m free. The only way out is everywhere. The choice of freedom is not one of picking one thing or another but of picking now. I am able to be an ambitious person while also being a resource. I can make a difference while being a cog in the machine. The key is to be present in the now, it’s that simple.